A Gentle Milkshake Fact Sheet and Ice Cream Policy

WARNING: Not a milkshake

My computer’s dictionary defines milkshake as:

a cold drink made of milk, a sweet flavoring such as fruit or chocolate, and typically ice cream, whisked until it is frothy.

This is flat out WRONG. Well, it might be correct, in the sense that it’s an accurate definition, but it’s morally wrong. I’m of the belief that the definition should instead read:

a cold drink made of milk, ice cream, and typically a sweet flavoring such as fruit or chocolate, whisked until it is frothy.

When you order a chocolate milkshake, it should be made of milk blended with chocolate ice cream. Same when ordering strawberry or vanilla or whatever else. Flavoring might come into it, but that’s secondary, and if it does, you should know about it. One should never be given a milkshake made of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup after ordering a chocolate milkshake.

I’m shaking with anger just thinking about how often this happens every day.

Nonetheless, it’s not wrong to mix different flavors with vanilla ice cream. Vanilla, while succulent on its own, plays very well with chocolate and fruit flavors. This is why vanilla is the standard base flavor; do not deviate from this standard unless you’re absolutely sure of what you’re doing. Otherwise, you risk ruining something that should be very good.

My ice cream policy strives to minimize this risk by emphasizing two axioms:

1. Quality over quantity.
2. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I cringe at citing such clichés, but the wisdom is all there. It turns out that misguided consumption of ice cream is a great way to highlight the wisdom.

Because ice cream is such a treat, it seems to lend itself to bingeing. Because most people don’t eat ice cream very often, they tend to overdo it when they get the chance. First of all, the returns on each bite of ice cream diminish pretty quickly. That is, each bite is less enjoyable than the previous. The more bites, the less you’ll be enjoying yourself by the end of the treat. Second of all, even the most dairy tolerant stomach will have trouble withstand too much fatty cream. You’ll get a bellyache.

Also because of ice cream’s treat status, it seems that many forget to take ice cream seriously when constructing their desserts. Mint chocolate chip doesn’t work well with gummy bears and caramel just as coke doesn’t blend well with sprite and orange crush. Nonetheless, gimmicky crap ice cream peddlers like Coldstone encourage all sorts of ridiculous unnatural combos.

If you want to have a positive ice cream experience, I recommend that you spend your money on one good flavor at a time. And again, if you’re going to bring syrups or toppings into it, use vanilla as your base unless you’re positive that you know what you’re doing.

As I said before, this “wisdom” is nothing new at all. It’s a couple of clichés explained by ice cream consumption, but the risk I mentioned, the risk of ruining something that should be very good, is the pith of this whole discussion. I’m never comfortable trying to occupy any moral high ground, but I’m beginning to wonder if the minimization of this risk is the basis of many moral codes.

The two axioms mentioned here could feasibly be replaced by:

1. Temperance
2. Circumspection

These are two virtues (among others) revered by one of my favorite moral philosophers: Adam Smith (see A Short History of Economics as a Moral Science). I’d argue that the observation of these two virtues will not only ensure that our ice cream experiences are more enjoyable, but that everything we consume might be better appreciated as we account for our scale, our needs.