Ah! The Future! Ahh! The PRESENT!
I had originally started this entry as an explanation of how I decided upon a graduate program. I’ve thought a great deal about the subject, and I am very comfortable with my plan to get a master’s degree in foreign policy. But I’m going to forego an explanation of how I came to my decision; instead, I want to explore something that I’ve relearned throughout the process.
I’m not a very patient person, and I’m least patient with myself. I often feel like I should have accomplished more in the past 25 years. The part of me that recognizes my accomplishments is tempted to punch me in the face for such tomfoolery, but I have a legitimately hard time not comparing myself to my peers.
I mean, Justin Timberlake is only 22 and just look at his website, look what he’s accomplished in spite of wardrobe malfunctions! Or what about George Washington? He was only 22 when he was dispatched to warn the French that their advancements on the Ohio valley were likely to cause a stir among the British. The French didn’t heed his message, causing them to stumble into the French and Indian war. So, see what I mean? Sometimes I wonder if I’ve misused my opportunities, but there’s no sense in worrying about that. I’ve got a lot to look forward to and I think I’m learning to put things in perspective; one of Washington’s contemporaries has helped me with this.
John Adams said, "I must study politics and war, that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy...in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music." So, George Washington and the other founders of the United States did what they had to do at their ages so that I can do what I’m doing at my age.
I’ve spent most of my life in school, I’m going back to school soon, and it’s possible that I’ll have to enroll again even after that. I’m not complaining. I like school, and realize that I’m one of relatively few people on the planet with access to so much education. Despite my qualms about feeding into an academic machine that serves better to distribute degrees than it does to provide a legitimate education (perhaps it’s overburdened?), I have to count my blessings. One of those blessings is that I live in a society that allows me to spend so much time educating myself; I think that’s what my forebears would have wanted, and I’m grateful for the sacrifices they made that allow me to be where I am now.
So, a bit of historical perspective has helped me feel better about myself, but there’s another problem. Often, when I’m feeling down, I’ll imagine myself in a Vaseline-lensed fantasy world that I like to call “the future.” My experience has shown that the soft glow of my imagination is quickly lost as time brings my vision of the future into sharp focus. There’s value in looking to the future with optimism, I believe in hope, I believe in faith, but there’s something more important than hope for a rosy future. I’ll explain it with a little anecdote.
True story: A few years ago I found myself hiking in the mountains just east of Fairview, Utah. I was alone, trudging through melting snow and muddy pastures. I hiked upwards, towards an invisible summit, my view of the top blocked by hill. As I crested the hill, I caught the view of, not the summit, but another hill. I walked up, down, up, and over interminable rolling hills before I reached any kind of vista worth mentioning, but I’m not going to mention that vista. Instead, I’m going to mention something that struck me somewhere in the middle of my hike. I stopped to rest, turned my back to the hill in front of me, and suddenly faced a jaw-dropping snowy mountain panorama: pasture, pines and aspens under a blue sky, stately white clouds sailing across the sky. I get goose bumps just thinking about it.
I was happy to get to the summit later, that’s what I had set out to do, but I’m glad I had to take that hike to get there. I didn’t need to be frustrated by every false summit, every hidden hill, every time that I felt like I was being held back from my goal. I was already there, I was in the mountains, it was a beautiful day, and I had a spectacular view to look back upon. The goal was something to look forward to, but I would have missed out on a great deal of beauty had I not stopped to appreciate where I was.
I’m looking forward to school. I look forward to a lot of things, but if my hopes drop out of view (as some of them are bound to do), I consider myself lucky to look around and appreciate what I’ve got at hand.
This is so cheesy.
Love,
jed.
Great thoughts, Jed. Very inspiring. I totally relate with that whole Justin Timberlake complex. I feel like it's too late for me to become anything worthwhile because I've wasted so much time already. Well fooey to those stupid monkeys, I say, let's shoot them dead.
Posted by: Greg at February 3, 2004 03:48 AMNice thoughts. I had a talk with my 62-year-old mother in law about this last night. She told me she made a list of all the things that were on her mind, all of her to-do's. She divided the list in half, with one half being the things that she now realized she would never be able to do. She justified this to me by saying, "I haven't got any good years left. Not too long ago, people my age were the people who died."
And I thought, I'm 27. And I'm starting to feel the same way sometimes. And I think, "Damn, Jed's only 25! Think of all he will accomplish." I shake my hoary beard and long for the youth of such as you. Silly.
Gregor's right, let's get them in our crosshairs.
Posted by: Dustin at February 7, 2004 07:35 PMAlso, I was thinking I should make a t-shirt that says I HATE LATER.
Or maybe just a wristband.
Posted by: Dustin at February 7, 2004 07:38 PMJed, I really value the things you say here. So often they are the same thoughts I struggle with. We all must, but refrian from talking about it much. Patience, with ones self seems to be the discussion of the day. So often we feels that we are having to learn the same lesson over and over, when perhaps its is only the symptoms that are the same. I mean, patience isn't something we conquer, but something we gain and learn, and then are faced with the next "level" of. Line apon line, of the same principle, like playing a video game on "easy", then "hard", and finally "good luck."
As for comparing... this one is poison, but awfully tough to avoid. The only thing to do it seems, is to play each game against yourself, and not look to see how anyone else is doing. I think this is the only way to keep ones motives pure, and ones heart in the right place too. Too easy to forget that other people are themselves, and they do thier thing. This doesn't mean your thing is any "less", mearly different, and thats cool.
Tough stuff. Thanks for kick'n the new K-nowledge